I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just high enough for therapy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
