I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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