if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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