she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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