Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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