I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
