i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
