i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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