cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
