I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm always down for nudity.
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