I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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