Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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