I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
