Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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