On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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