i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
