I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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