I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
