They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
