Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
