My hair reeks of homosexuality.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
