when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize