Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize