I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
