Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
God, I missed his penis.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
