I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
