When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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