susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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