Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
