Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
