I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
