The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
