So drunk its hurt
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
