There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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