just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
