I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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