It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Randomize
