but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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