remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
