but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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