One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
