When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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