Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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