i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
