burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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