you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
