no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Randomize