Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
