i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
