my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish i was in the wii world.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he fucked my hip out of place.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
