I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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