New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
