Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
