I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize