It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
